My Mars Attacks FanFic
So, Jack Nicholson has somehow become president of the United States, and what the fuck happens? Martian invaders are spotted on a direct course to Earth. This never would’ve happened if you had elected a respectable actor like Morgan Freeman or Ronald Regan as president. But you had to choose the Hollywood bad boy. Typical. And like a true liberal, Old Jacky decides NOT to respond with any force to the eminent threat. (You better bet your ass Regan would’ve blown some shit up… Or at least bluffed those cocksuckers out.) So Nicholson is all over the TV and all excited about telling the country about how wonderful the space invaders are gonna be.
Simultaneously, Jack Black gives up his life as a talented musician and joins the army. Now that’s what I call a true American. God Bless.
So there’s this hot chick reporter and she starts interviewing people and shit, but she’s got an estranged father. Now that the world is apparently coming to an end, the old dude is trying to make amends with his hot daughter, but she just ain’t having it. (Jer-Ree Jer-Ree)
So then the aliens show up and they’re all like “don’t worry we come in peace.” But not in English silly. We invented some weird translation device(Even though we’ve never heard them speak and such a device is completely implausible.) In a peace offering, liberal pussy president Nicholson offers the aliens the vaginal anuses of several hippies. However, the aliens are unsatisfied.
So the aliens unleash a whole new world of hurt on the world, decapitating Nicholson… Poor hippie never stood a chance.
So the hot reporter and her dad are standing on the shore, and the aliens gather up all the people who were likee yaaay aliens, and drop them in the ocean. Which in turn causes a gigantic tidal wave. And the girl is all like “daddy.”(But not sexually.) and he holds her. (But not sexually) And they die together on the beach. (But not sexually.)
So the aliens are all like rawwwr. But finally Jack Black grabs his guitar and is like “Fleee Bi Bi Bi save some trees hippie biodome bullshit.” And all of the aliens’ heads explode.
The End.
Ps. No, this isn’t really a fanfic, but hey suck my balls.
My Book Report
Aaron Locke Londraville
English
Grade 9
Dr. Bombs
For my book report, I read “Curious George in the Big City,” written by Hans Augusto Rey and Margret Rey, and they are my favorite authors, because they are foreign. This book is written in the autobiographical style.
The main character in the story is Curious George, a young monkey, and he is scared. He’s just a country monkey lost in the great big city. A lot of my friends mistake George for a spic, but that is just flat out wrong. He is pure. Unfortunately, he is a honkey lost in the great big city, a dangerous predicament.
It all started when George’s friend in the yellow hat decided to take George to the great big city. When the man in the hat gets distracted by some pretty ladies in make-up, George gets bored and sick and tired of waiting and he decides to follow a banana truck. Unfortunately, the truck is actually a dildo delivery van for Rebecca’s House of Weiner unfortunately, and now George is lost in the great big city unfortunately. Then a magical crack head swoops in and saves the day. His name is Moondawg. He is my favorite character, because he ain’t no bitch. He stabs all the robbers and snatches boobies. Plus he loves fine ass pussy. He teaches George how to throw back jive ass shit.
By the end of the book, George is nobody’s bitch. He changes from a poor lost monkey in the great big city to a street smart hustler in the great big city by the end of the story. I can identify with his street smart hustler. I know hustlin’. The main character does the right thing when he stabs all the robbers for George.
Another character is Victor, the old flashbacky Vietnam vet. He likes killing, and sleeping on the great big streets in the great big city, and trash. He’s like Oscar the Grouch, but he means business
Another character is Clarice a young waitress who turns tricks on the side. A roller waitress who sucks dick.
Another character is Robbie Funtane. He is a bad man. He likes to steal from the people of the great big city and beat them and eat their food without paying. He is a pigfuck servant of the man. He is my least favorite cop.
The story is set in the great big city. The setting is exciting, because it’s a gateway to a whole different world. I can’t wait to go meet homeless vets and crack heads in the great big city when I get older and stick it to the man in the great big city.
The theme of this story is what it’s like to be in a new place. New places are scarry to people who have never been there. But you can learn how to be good there.
Curious George in the Big City was an exciting book. It made me think and feel things different than how I used to. It was not confusing or hard to understand. I love it because it was a fun guide to surviving whack ass city livin’! Plus it teaches a valuable lesson! Hans Augusto Rey and Margret Rey were monkeys lost in the great big city once two! The great big city was America! I like this story, because it is applicable to the lives of everyone in the great big city, but I didn’t like that Curious George dies at the end. Thank you for reading my report, the end.
To Oblivion and Beyond
This is the shittiest hot cocoa I’ve had in a long time. Riddle me this Batman, how can you make a drink comprised primarily of water and brown dirt worse? Make it in a used pepsi bottle instead of a cup. Mmmm, corn syrupy baked in goodness rubbing all up in there (That’s hot). Alright, it’s 2:00AM and I have my wake-up-juice, let’s talk time travel.
Time travel. Ok, Let’s approach this from a purely cinematic viewpoint. I mean, we have plenty to draw from, Back to the Future(1-3), Donnie Darko, The Butterfly Effect, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, The Time Machine, Terminator 2, Star Trek, and well you get the idea don’t you? The list goes on. Which to choose which to choose? Groundhogs Day, I choose you! Now I know what you’re thinking, Groundhogs Day, where the fuck is the time travel in that? There’s no flux capacitor filled Delorian, no eerie telephone booth from the future(I still chuckle a little every time I watch that movie due to its inability to anticipate the eventual extinction of phone booths. Futuristic movie my ass). Well you’re right. This film is much too daring for that. If anything this film is the originator of the “human vessel” approach, as opposed to the time warn time machine approach we see so often.
Now a lot of those bible thumpers and whack jobs out there are going to tell you that Phil’s time travel was not of his own volition. Perhaps it was some act of a vengeful God to teach a horrible man his lesson. A gross over simplification. Others might even suggest it was fate messing with poor ole Phil… Equally as shameful of an accusation. I postulate rather that Phil’s subconscious is activating a time travel mechanism inherent to his very being due to his own inability to accept what his life has become. Now I know what you’re thinking… This is a really nerdy blog. True… But that’s what you get. Sometimes the night speaks to me and sometimes I just ramble incoherently about Bill Murray. Until next time, Later Days.
~Aaron Locke
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